10 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend

1. Reach out to your friend after the death of a loved one. This can be done via phone calls, letters, emails, or visiting in person. Generally speaking, people grieving do not want to be left alone; rather, they welcome family and friends around them.

2. Send a sympathy card with a brief note inside. Emails are comforting, but a card is something tangible to hold on to and to cherish for years. It’s never too late to send a sympathy card, even a year later.

3. If you can, attend the funeral. This is an outward sign of your support for your friend, at a most difficult time in his or her life. Your presence there means a great deal to your friend.

4. Try and avoid phrases such as "I know just how you feel," "Time heals all wounds." In my experience, phrases like this are more hurtful than helpful.

5. Listen to your friend. Not knowing what to say is o.k. Silence is o.k. too. Again, it is your presence that matters most.

6. Give your friend a hug. Hugs are often the best conveyer of how you’re feeling when you can’t put your thoughts into words.

7. If a friend is crying, avoid the urge to pass a box of tissues. Often tissues are tear stoppers and send a silent message to the griever that they should use the tissues to stop crying. Instead, be there for your friend as he or she cries. They’ll request tissues when they’re ready for them.

8. When you call your grieving friend or see him in public, mention the person who has died by name. Most likely your friend is already thinking of the person who has died, so you won’t be reminding him. Instead, you’re comforting your friend by letting him/her know that you have not forgotten. This is generally true even a year or two later.

9. Offer to do practical, concrete things for your friend. Don’t wait to be called. Call and offer to do things like: baby-sit children, go to the grocery store, or help prepare meals.

10. Remember to call and see how your friend is doing after time has gone by. It is particularly hard on grieving people as the months go by and they see everyone else’s life moving on. Calling at the one month or six month anniversary of the death and mentioning the person who has died is extremely helpful, as well as meaningful. The one and two year anniversaries of the death are also particularly difficult. Caring friends, who call, can greatly assist the grief process. Every time someone grieving the loss of a loved one has the opportunity to tell their story, another piece of them heals.
pamela gabbay © 2002